One Semester in One Word

Granted, I don't play video games in my spare time ever and I've tried college twice before and didn't finish it both times, my experience of taking 3 (...and then 2) classes between August and December of 2010 in Central Piedmont's Simulation and Game Design program can be summed up in one word - FLARNK.

Maybe I shoulda just taken the classes online.  Hell, most of the lessons in class were directly from online tutorials.  Just follow along and pause it every now and then.   I'd probably be chillin' at my futuristic desk somewhere in Irvine, California working on some game that involves shooting the shit out of something by now.  

The best thing about the program was the people.  Yes, there were lots of dorks and know-it-alls and, hands down, the most socially awkward nerds I've ever encountered in 34.4 years on this planet, but there were also some really great, funny people that were a blast to work with.  I expect amazing, weird things from them in the future. 

Go for that.  And if you love Subway - there's one on the ground level of the building where the classes are held.  So go for the people... and the smell of Subway bread.  Good luck.

  

Movie Madness

Here's a scene from my movie, "Basket Case".



Never seen the whole thing?  Don't worry, I didn't ruin it for you.  See it.  It was done with a very low budget by a bunch of unknown folks about 30 years ago.

In my video game version of this film, the player is in control of the beast in the basket, Belial.  Here he is sitting on some steps...

You drag yourself around 1982 Manhattan, while your once-conjoined brother, Duane looks for you.  He'll put you back in the basket.  You don't want to be in the basket.  Got it?  

Through a series of challenges, you must figure out unique ways to enter buildings and use human devices (phone, electric razor, fishing pole) seeing as that you don't have all the normal appendages and digits us regular folk have.  You're finally on your own and want to show Duane you don't need him.  You must eat humans when you're hungry or if they threaten you in any way.  If Duane locates you, you might be faced with the chilling notion of attacking and eating him.  Or just part of him.  You're pretty darn good at lying low, so I suggest waiting under chairs and beds for the right time to attack.  Can you drive?  Maybe.  Try not to attract attention to yourself and give it a whirl.  Want to explore the seedy Times Square theaters of early 80s New York?  Go ahead.  You, might want to wear a  poncho, though.  Horseback riding through Central Park?  Not impossible.  Quite fun, actually.  You're free.  Enjoy life and all it's mysterious foibles.  

This game would follow the third-person shooter format, with a choice of various viewpoints to better enable you to see what the heck's going on above everybody's knees.

CHAPTER SIX: Book Work

Play a game that features "combat".  Okay.  I searched the internet for some sort of cool looking fighting game for about an hour.  Swordplay or karate.  Old west or laser beams.  No luck.  Everything's cheesey and too confusing.  Dear Lord, there must be a billion games out there.  Who made them all?  Are they all famous and rich?

I finally stumbled upon what I assume is called a catapult game called "Crush the Castle" in which you fling stuff at a castle, trying to knock it down and kill everybody inside.  If that ain't some sort of combat, well call me Dame Judi Dench.  Sure, the folks in the castle can't fight back, but that doesn't guarantee that you'll always be victorious.  It's all about how you fling stuff.  How fast you release it.  The angle at which it travels.  As you progress, you're given more things to launch.  Then you move up to bigger things to launch.  Finally, you're given bombs.  Flaming bombs.  Yeah.

I am proud to say that this game made an addict of me.  I haven't had this much fun on my computer since...(checks watch, gazes off into the horizon)...well, I have fun on my computer...a whole lot...let's say I haven't had this much fun playing a video game on my computer in quite a while.  The game's simple.  No backstory.  Just click the mouse.  Easy.  But frustrating.  Organic.  Basic.  Sometimes random and chaotic.  Some castles crumble easily.  Some don't.  Some should, but don't.  I dig it.  I plan on playing again one day.  Maybe not this upcoming week, but soon.  I need a job first.  Anything.  I'm poor.

These games are probably a dime a dozen.  I don't know.  So, the few hints I have for improving it might have already been applied to another version or an entirely different game all together. 

How 'bout being able to move the ol' trebuchet wherever you want?  How about trying NOT to kill the princess?  How about suggesting we try a certain ammo after we've spent 38 minutes on one level and can't figure out how to advance?  What if they were flinging stuff at you, too?  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  That changes everything.  No.  They aren't allowed to do that.  I like how they're just standing there like their fortress isn't being besieged by huge boulders. 

Buried Alive

Goal 

To have the least amount of dirt (cards) in your grave (possession).

Contents

2 dice, 1 deck of regular cards (no jokers)

Players

4 

Instructions for Playing

1. Divide your cards into suits.  Each suit becomes the player's hand.

2. Each round, a player will roll both dice.  Once the movement of the dice stops, all players throw down a card that matches that number as fast as possible.

3. The last player to throw down that card will put all the thrown cards into his/her "grave" - a stack of cards separate from his/her hand.

4. The Ace, Jack, Queen, and King are wild cards.  Throw them wisely.

5. If the player does not have the exact card or any remaining wild cards, they can throw down the card closest numerically to the dice roll.  Accuracy always trumps speed.

That's the 5 rule version of the 8 rule version of the 10 rule version of the game that Rex, Mike, Nate and I made from scratch in Saturday, October 23rd's class.  Quite a pickle to dill in my opinion.  For a brief moment we considered removing dice and cards from our game idea all together.  The class has come to rely on them as "basic game making  ingredients".  Actually, the entire world has.  Next time, I'd be up for doing a brain teaser type game.  Like "I Spy" with your eyes closed.  Or something that utilized the dry erase board.  I'm all for getting folks out of their chairs and animated.  In a game where speaking isn't allowed like "Pictionary" or "Win, Lose, or Draw", I find that the most hilarious thing is the how frustrated people get when they have to remain silent.  The artist does all sorts of pointing and jumping and face gymnastics trying to clue everybody into what they're drawing.  It's even better when the artist sucks at drawing.  It's a squiggle and a box and a big alien cat head looking thing.  That's supposed to be "Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time"?!   No way! (tilts head, squints eyes)  Well...okay, I....kinda see it, now.  Sorry.

We did make the act of throwing down your card as fast as possible an integral part of the game.  Nobody in the history of gaming has ever done that before.  Although, a bunch of prisoners playing Buried Alive in Sing Sing might be at each others' throats over "who threw what first", we remained civil and calm.  We had fun, but soon realized that writing down how to play in a short, simple, easy-to-understand manner was not fun.  We wanted to include "Exercise your common sense" as a rule, but refrained.  I'm sure game makers since the beginning of time wanted to include that rule.  Or "Don't be dumb".  But, you'd end up offending somebody somewhere and get sued for causing mental distress costing the game manufacturer hundreds of thousands of dollars in a long, messy televised court case.  You'd become the butt of gaming industry jokes and turn to a quiet, anonymous life of office data research.  Or you'd become famous.

All in all, we came up with a good game quickly.  Much better than this "Tetris" type game also called "Buried Alive" I found.  Go ahead.  Click on it.  You know you want to.  I won't tell anyone if you stay up until sunrise three nights in a row trying to beat it.

(if you get past level 4, leave an anonymous comment and tell me how you did it - I'm stuck)

Character Development Revisited

Again, my knowledge of current video game characters is pretty thin.  I played "Medal of Honor" a few times in the front offices of a screen printing company I worked at many years ago.  About 7 or 8 of us would be on computers walking around and shooting each other.  I think my character's name was "Pierre".  He shot people and got shot at.  And I watched a guy play "Assassin's Creed" once about a year and a half ago.  I never caught that fella's name.  He had a hood on and nobody in town really talked to him as he jumped on roofs and stuff.  The guy in the game, that is - not the guy playing the game.  He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

So, I must turn to the days of my youth and recall the games with characters I liked.  There's that dude in "Berzerk"...

He's stuck in some minimal, futuristic supermarket with big-shouldered robots.  He's probably still there, for all I know.  Somebody go check.

Ooooh - I know somebody.  The paperboy in "Paperboy".

You're only aware of his evil eyes by the artwork on the arcade console itself.

The only time you see his face in the game is on the title screen...

Seems like a happy, hard working lad there.  In the actual game, you only see him from far above - like you're following him in a hot air balloon.

The player can decide whether to believe his heart is full of anger and he despises all the good for nothin' rich people in their filthy rich houses on his route - or - he's a good, decent boy rising early to bring the news to everybody's doorstep, hoping to earn enough money for a giant gong.  I like that.  You're allowed to bring your own mood to the character.  You're not told how to be.  Deliver the papers as you wish.  

Your environment is American suburbia circa 1984 - meaning it's pretty much exactly how it is now, except there aren't any SUVs in driveways.  It's not a wacky, alien world that our hero's never seen before.  He sees it everyday.  This is his job.  It's the only game I can think of where the main character is simply doing a normal job.  Not one of a sexy secret agent or an oily volleyball pro - just an average kid doin' an average 1984 kid's job.  Sadly, kid's in 2010 don't know what a newspaper is and can hardly ride a bicycle past the end of the block they live on without feeling nauseous.

The environmental hazards of suburbia are the "villians" of this game.  (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, please click here to see a clip of somebody playing it) Things that harm the player in any game are always a part of the environment.  Unless you're dealing with some major inner turmoil in the player's psyche such as a childhood trauma, a phobia, a Red Bull addiction, or just your basic, old-fashioned bruised ego like Pac-Man had.  

This game would be cool if it was set in downtown Tianjin, China because Chinese newspapers weigh about 8 pounds each.  He could get caught up in the seedy underworld of the Chinese mafia and quite possibly work his way up to become head of the entire Asian heroin ring.  That would surely make the front page of "The Daily Sun"!

Basic Artificial Intelligence

Just got back from a class in which we made and played several different variations of the Us vs. It game.  My head has been rendered into mush and I find it hard to even decide if I'm hungry or not.  My mind went on strike about 30 minutes before class ended.  I didn't care about what the robot could do now.  I didn't care if I lost.  Winning was meaningless.  The neurons and synapses in my brain simply switched to "sleep mode".  No thoughts being registered.  No thoughts being created.  I was floating in a silent womb, quite contented.

While still cognitive, I learned that artificial intelligence is what's going on in a game that you can't control.  It's magically doing things for desired results and can be directly effected by what the player does.  Or not.  You observe and interact with it until you can solve the task at hand.  Find a weakness and strangle it until its eyes pop out.  Jump over it, punch it, unlock it, hang on, let go, sneak away, hide, yell, shoot, dive, ctrl, alt, delete.  Off.  Go for a long walk and listen to the birds.  Feel the sun against your skin.  Clear your soul.  Relax.

Here's what Jon and I did.  Blue paper.

For someone unfamiliar with this game, I could explain exactly what everything means, but I simply can't at the moment.  Ask me one day.  I'll give you the rough idea.  I promise.

Paper Simulation

I am currently working on this assignment.  I need 5 more minutes.

In the meantime, look at this Game Boy made out of paper.

CHAPTER FIVE: Book Work

Play at least three electronic games that are currently on the market.

Okay.

Let me go to Best Buy real quick.

They have displays where you can play new games, right.

Be back shortly.

Don't wait up.

SGD 161 SG Animation - Catalog Description Discrepancy

Here's how it's described on page 312 in the 2009-2010 Central Piedmont Community College catalog (and, sadly, exactly the same on page 320 in the 2010-2011 catalog) -

Awesome.

I was hoping it would be just that.  I was hoping the first question the teacher asked was "Who are some famous animators?".  Everyone would say Walt Disney and maybe Matt Groening or Mike Judge, of course.  Not me.  I was ready with the names Tex Avery, Ub Iwerks, Ralph Bashki, Don Hertzfeld, Winsor McKay, Otto Mesmer...you get the idea.  I dig animation.  Weird stuff.  Old stuff.  Yeah, the Pixar stuff is impressive, but it's scientifically designed to pull your heartstrings.  Down to the exact millisecond your heartstrings are expecting to be pulled.  

I've plunkered around on Flash and can't get it to do what I want.  I don't need knees to bend and perfect nostril flaring.  I just wanna move stuff around.  Maybe have the mouth move a little, but perfect sync with the dialogue isn't necessary.  I'm not aiming for realism.  I really don't care if the movement isn't fluid.

I've made 17 million little .gifs on free software designed for apes. Here are 3 - 

I want to think of a story.  Record the dialogue.  Take something I've already drawn or draw something new. Scan it, clean it up, then make it move.  Add music and sound effects.  Then put it on the internet.  

So, I signed up for SGD 161 SG Animation at CPCC.

But, it's not an animation class.  You learn After Effects.  Movie magic stuff.  Twirling titles and explosions and green screen things.  Very cool, but not what I wanted.  There is absolutely no "historical survey of animation, aspects of the animation process and animation techniques".  Zilcho.  Nada.  And there sure as hell ain't no sketching or doing artwork of any kind.  The description is wrong.  It needs to be changed. 

I bought the book.  I watched a bunch of tutorials.  I attended class and followed along with the tutorials.  But, I was disappointed.  After Effects is great for spicing up your vacation videos with realistic gun battles and blood squirts and laser beams and light sabers.  But, where was the animation?  The other students were digging it, but I wanted traditional animation stuff...not special effects.  I knew we wouldn't be using light tables, parchment paper, and 16mm cameras.  Maybe some simple animation programs.  Nope.  

You could import your artwork into After Effects and make little animated stories if you wanted.  People have.  But, I was really excited to do the stuff in the course description.  So, I quit.  I didn't get any money back.  Dang.  Oh well.  Live and...uh....ummmmmm....what is it....oh, yeah....learn. 

Here's a quote I repeat daily.

"A special effect is a tool, a means of telling a story. A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing".

Neat, huh?  Guess who said it?

(scroll on down)

Go ahead.  Guess...

Nope.  Guess again.

No.  Good guess, though.

It was this guy...

     

                                                                            

Not the robot, you fool.  George Lucas.

Design Chemistry

Chemistry should always result in LOUD BOOMS such as this...



The "BOOM" can be a successful game that everybody in the world plays, a bread sculpture of a race car, an underwater bowling alley, a cat-dog hybrid butler, or anything.  Working with folks from various backgrounds with various interests will greatly improve your chances of making something better than mediocre.  Here's a scenario my driving instructor told me...

You wanna make up a new dance so you get a bunch of your friends together and you all like dancing so you start dancing and all you're really doing is just kinda altering pre-existing dance steps.  Nothing really new is being done and nobody's really sayin' nothing about it, because, hey - at least you're dancing and not arguing.  So, you practice this messy mix of unoriginal dance steps over and over again and then you go to the big Dance Headquarters to pitch your dance to the President of New Dances.  You get about half a minute into your routine and he says "Thank you, but we aren't interested" very coldly and leaves you and your friends alone in the mirrored room to stare at yourselves and wonder why.  Why your dance didn't totally wow him.


It was because your creative team sucked.  You all liked the same things and did things the same way and never thought outside the box and never had the guts to say something was lame.  To make something unique, the creators need to bring in various influences from different eras and cultures.  Mix up stuff until the ingredients blend in with each other and can't be identified.  It's awesome, but there's not just one thing that makes it awesome.  It's a little bit of one thing and less of another.  A lot of this old thing and some of that new thing.  Technically flawless, yet strangely organic.  Familiar, but unlike anything ever made. 

Like this...

Prototyping and Bean Salad

The only way I can explain the importance of prototyping is to tell you about a very important lesson I learned at the 4th Annual Bean Salad Competition in Wilmington, Delaware on March 12, 2002.  I was a young braggart, unaware that a mistake I would make later that day would result in the serious injury of 3 people and a stray dog.

How can you create a successful bean salad?  One that will satisfy everyone and fly off the shelves?  Nobody knows.  You can attempt to please yourself with your creation and hope other folks like it, but you're wasting your time.  The whole point of a bean salad is to be unique, offend some people, and create a combined flavor that nobody in the entire world has ever tasted before.  Not even kings and queens. Choose the finest ingredients and proceed carefully.  It's easy to mix 63 buffalo beans into your creation, but it's a pain in the ass to have to go through and pick each one out.  Embarrassing, as well.  Sprinkle too much rare, iridescent Portuguese saffron on it, without checking it's authenticity, and you've ruined all the utensils in your kitchen.  Evacuate immediately.

Simple, stupid mistakes are unforgivable in a finished product.  Unless you're planning to fail and be ridiculed by nerds all over the world, prototype everything.  Game or bean salad.  Test it yourself.  Call a cab and have the cab driver come in and test it.  Hide your valuables, though.

You ever googled "free online games"?  Well, I just did it for you.  Click on it.  You'll see 8,011 sites that each have 192,353 different games to play.  The world doesn't need anymore average games.  Only interesting, fun, addictive games from this point on.  Prototype your unique idea for months and months.  Go back and totally change things.  Prototype the prototypes.  Delve deep into the dark corners of your soul and search for ways to make it better than everything else.  Or just settle for something flimsy and lame.  Something rushed and pointless.  Something that could potentially injure 3 people and a stray dog.  

The Dicing On the Cake

"Who brought dice?"

(crickets chirping)

Four people timidly raise their hands.

"I brought some Monopoly money"

"I brought darts"

"I want some Mongolian Beef with fried rice and an egg roll"

Somehow, enough dice where scrounged up so everybody had 5 each.  Next, we got into brand new groups of 5 and played "Liar's Dice" - a confusing game that pirates made up while they were semi-delirious from scurvy.  Cool.

Afterwards, we were given an hour to make up our own game using -

- a sheet of paper
- 5 cups
- 25 dice

GO!

The brainstorm drizzles slowly at first.  Just rehashing "Sissy Fight" as a dice game is brought up and immediately brought down.  Then how about trying to toss your die into a little circle drawn on the sheet of paper?  And what if the paper was resting on top of the five cups like....this!?  Try to knock off everybody else's dice!  Or the open ends of the cups were placed beneath each corner of the paper - and you try to balance the dice  "Jenga style" without them all toppling in?  Like this.  Hmmmmmmmmm.  The paper's too flimsy.  We need posterboard or something.

12 minutes has gone by and we ain't got nothin'.  Square one.  What's fun?  What's simple?  Throw the dice into the cup.  Try it.  Hmmmmmm.  Okay, but it's easier to just try and knock the styrofoam cups over.  They're too light.  Here, let's get out of our chairs and arrange them in front of us, like we're at a carnival.  One person plays the carny and has to keep all the dice from rolling under the desks.  Okay, go.  Wait.  We need a new cup.  This one's broke.  Okay, now go.

Loud dice banging all over the place.  Bouncing onto the floor and going everywhere.  Parents would hate this game.  Nobody can get one in.  Okay, how about we put the cups on the floor, against the wall.  But, we'll scuff up the wall!  Who cares.  Just do it.  We have, like 11 minutes left.  Go.  Rapid fire dice throwing commences.  Only one or two of us get one in.  Have we lost some dice?  Yes.  That's okay  We all get 4 now.  Hey, put the cups on the eraser ledge of the dry erase board.  That might be easier.  Try.  Nope.  Everybody else is already deep in the midst of playing their games.  We're still experimenting.  Throwing dice all over the place and making lots of noise.  Allright.  Square one.  Again.  What's fun?  Let's sit at that table.

Here, everybody sit on a side.  Not you.  There's only room for 4.  Okay, put a die under your cup.  Yeah, now what?  Slide it over to me.  Scoop it.  And do what with it?  Air hockey it back to you?  Sure.  No, wait!  Try to trap it in your cup.  Then slide it to somebody else.  Allright.  That's it.  What do we call it?  "Dice Hockey!"  Yes.  Perfect.  With .82 milliseconds left.

The presentation flops.  Let's rethink this thing.  How about "Blackjack Dice".  You try to roll 24 with 4 dice.  Roll.  Keep the ones you want on the table.  Roll the remaining ones.    You just get three tries.  Okay.  Sounds good.  No throwing dice from far away.  No cups.  No rules upon rules.  Simple and easy.

But what about the sheet of paper?  Eat it.  Quick.

Pinball Wizardry

I'm sucker for pinball. I'll plop 2 quarters in and see what happens. Always at an arcade or a fishing pier or a laundry mat - never at someone's home. I don't trust people with pinball machines in their home. I always envision them playing it unclothed.

Chapter FOUR: Book Work

Meet the hero of my original game idea, "Great Architect", Aubley V. Bleen.  Master draughtsman and pencilist at Rather, Morose & Sullen, Centerburg's biggest Architecture firm.  Fascinated by ceilings more than floors, walls less than sides, and entrances rather than exits.  Flawless order is all around him.  Seamless connections between earth, sky, structure, and soul radiate from his temples.  He seeks truth in form and views art as accessory.  Music registers as math in his mind.  Dancing looks like 3-D blueprints of the galaxy.  The peripheral nerve that connects his brain to his eyes to his hands is about as wide as a garden hose - pumping and receiving communication twenty nine thousand times the speed of that new, really fast internet service only the FBI has.  He has an encyclopedic knowledge of ancient, forbidden measurement units and extraterrestrial architectural conspiracies.  This morning, he's was called into the board room.  The shades were drawn.  The door was locked (from both sides) and he was told of a very, very important...matter.

  

Seems as if "this gentleman" is interested in some freelance design work.  To start immediately.  Pay....undetermined at the moment.  But, he will be taking Aubley to see the greatest architectural marvels in the entire universe.  Mainly the ones NOT mentioned in any books or websites.  Definitely not anything you have to pay admission to get into.  They shake hands and Aubley sees an equation that doesn't make sense.  Kinda looked like advanced Aborigonal physics and geometry mixed with daytime astronomy and...finger painting.  He closes his eyes to concentrate and it disappears.  There's a click sound in his ears and the faint hint of ragtime banjo fades up quickly.  He opens his eyes and "this gentlemen" smiles.  Aubley needs to discuss this propositon over with his most trusted friend.

Squeet shines shoes down at the train yard.  Born to a wealthy entertainment industry power couple, he was kidnapped by an even wealthier and more powerful couple in the entertainment industry.  The ensuing ransom bidding wars made everyone richer somehow.  Squeet was treated fairly and kindly by all four parents and their vast array of cold, unloving servants.  He was taught all the fancy arts and flourished in them all, but just felt out of place surrounded by such big, detailed oil paintings of convertibles and overflowing vases of expensive freshly cut flowers.  He ran away when he was 7 and now lives in a garage apartment, shining shoes for money and feeling pretty pleased about everything.  He saw the "gentleman" Aubley met with.  Just got into town the day before.  Shined his shoes.  Nice shoes.  Seemed normal to him.  Well, he did arrive on his own train.  That was weird.  And the money he paid with.  It was made of flimsy metal stuff that emitted light and a low humming noise.  Nice fella, though.  Asked if there was a Mexican restaurant nearby.

Mario Speedwagon

Just 2 minutes and 37 seconds! WOW!



Truly amazing. Give this man a trophy made of cookies.

Flaxton Sheffield Dwump Jr.

Game Mechanics

I wish they'd just go right ahead and say you need a whole new game system instead of fixing the old one over and over again.  They won't, though.  That's how they make their living.  God bless 'em, though.  They work hard.  I love America.

E.T. Board Game

I owned this game.  Never played it.  Ever.  The giant E.T. head on the box gave me nightmares so I took it deep into the woods one day and burned it.  Burned it up good.  The board, the box, and all the little pieces. When I got back to my house, a brand new, unopened E.T. board game was on my bed.  I screamed like I'd been doused with boiling lava acid.  My friend that lived about 6 blocks away said he could hear me like I was in the next room.

Favorite Game - One Armed, Armless & Blind

As everyone already knows by now, I am the only person in class/in school/in Charlotte/in the world without a game console, so for this experiment, I'll be using my dusty n' trusty "8 games in 1" Atari joystick thing.  After all, it does have Centipede on it.  Not quite as slick as the arcade game, but I'm not driving 6 hours to the closest arcade that owns one so I can make a mockery of physically challenged people by playing all wacky in a public setting.  What a waste of quarters.  And, yes, I could probably go online and find some sort of downloadable, virus infested version of it, but I don't wanna.  Here goes:

One Armed:  I can't do the typical "sitting on a toilet with both my hands on my joystick" video game playing stance, so I have to stand up, brace the controller against my stomach, use my thumb to control motion, and my twisted middle finger to do the shooting.  It looks like I'm stimulating a long, dark nipple.  Gross.  This is ridiculous.  I'm just trying to run away from the centipede rather than shoot it.  This hurts.  What if somebody's looking in from the street?  My score sucks.  I keep dying.  I sit down so I can rest the controller on my lap.  This helps a little, but I still suck.  Good thing the reset button is within thumb's reach.

Armless:  Boom.  Easy.  One big toe on the joystick and the other BIGGER toe on the "fire" button.  Good thing I don't have one of those new fangled 7 mini-button super joysticks.  This is probably how apes would play if you hooked up an Atari 2600 system in the jungle.  I'm actually quite good at this.  This is a great stance for playing while eating a hot bowl of chowder.  Or playing guitar.  Or just putting both hands behind my head and watching how good I'm doing.  Challenge met and won.  Next.

Blindfolded:  The assignment said to turn off the monitor, but being blindfolded is more fun.  Try it yourself.  Tie it tight.  Real tight.  Can't see nothing.  Squeezes your skull against your brain a little.

Okay, I get it.  We're supposed to realize how games and life are similar. How blind decisions lead to failure and/or injury and/or death.  Like life, I really have no idea what the heck I'm doing.  I'm moving to and fro, trying to dodge unseen dangers, not knowing if what I'm doing is correct or not.  Hoping things turn out for the best.  Thinking that if I act as though I know what to do, others will assume that I'm doing just fine.  So, just keep shooting and moving around.  Up and down.  Quick and random.  Use the force.  Smell the fear.  Try to see through the damn blindfold.

Looking at my score - it becomes obvious.  I was wrong the whole time.  I did HORRIBLY.  Luck did not smile upon me.  I was devoured by a centipede.  Over and over again.  Just like real life.  Thank you, games.

Player Perspective

Jon, Ian, Tyler, Jeff

Palling ‘Round with God

Player Perspective

                My comrade Biggs is dead, the vodka is gone and I’m running through the field trying to resurrect my wounded fool of a friend. Now my other chum Wedge decides to move through the holy field, once a palace like field that encompassed all in the area with an aura that shined upon the towers and statues built to worship the relationship between Man and God are now almost rubble, and the shine that once was is replaced with a haze that creeps over the land.  I gotta pee soon, too.

As Wedge approaches his waypoint to report back to his teammates, he looks back to see his path became enshrined in a holy aura. With wide eyes and excitement Wedge sends word that the treasure was just stepped over and that it was time to rally and make a break for the treasure.  Thunder struck the sky and the winds howled, God was near and it was evident he wasn’t just observing. It was a sure bet that God was reigning in the troops to protect the treasure, but it would still be a heavy gamble to try and revive Biggs and make our team whole again. God had commanded and his army obeyed, the field is fresh with monsters and I hesitate to move toward the direction of the treasure without my wounded friend beside me. I shake my oracle ball and ask what I will see in my near future, but all lady luck tells me is that I’m not long for earth. I mutter something about manifest destiny to the useless prophet and toss the ball off the nearest cliff.

Surprised that the fates could piss me off even more, I run out to save my fallen comrade. BAM! An ugly Jabberwocky ambushes me and tries to take off my head with his giant claws but only manages to make contact with my shield and knock me into the broken marble floors of a worn away temple. My back is killing me but my pride is what was really wounded, I play dead and wait for the beast to close in, Jabberwockys are so easy to fool. As soon as he is in range I sweep low with my sword and take his front legs completely off and I scramble ahead trying not to get caught in the fall. Before I have the chance to finish him off, the Jabberwocky cries out an awful shriek that dizzies me. I try to run and continue on to Biggs but I don’t get far before the Jabberwocky reinforcement responded to the cries of his friend, who knows what other monsters heard the call.

 I turn and run up a flight of stairs that don’t lead to anywhere to try and get some high ground;the pain in my ass follows and leaves a trail of burnt dust in his rage for revenge. When the Jabberwocky sees me at the top of the stairs he charges like a bull toward me and I use whatever luck I had left to dodge and let his weight collapse the staircase.

 Biggs cusses at me when I approach him, something about taking my sweet time. I punch him in the mouth as I patch him up, don’t need him to talk just fight. By the time Biggs gained his strength Wedge had already been trolling the aura filled passageway always ready to find the treasure with no risk too great, meaning his comrade’s lives. Wedge continued to run through the field block after block scanning the area sans protocol, until he bit off more than he could chew and a monster big enough to wreck a train blindsided him and threw him into a hard marble wall. Great, even before Biggs’s painkillers kick in Wedge is already out of commission because he can’t follow protocol and check in, always a loose cannon.

Biggs runs ahead of me to cut off the monster’s descent upon Wedge and manages to cause the ground behind him to uproot like a damn earthquake. A light even stronger than the aura permeates the space around the earthquake and blinds everything in sight before Biggs could turn around to see what happened. Thank Bill Cosby! The treasure had been located and fully revealed and the strategy had changed, Biggs wasn’t trying to keep the horde from reaching Wedge, now he was playing king of the hill with the horde yelling at me to get to the treasure while he was still conscious.

We had to leave Wedge as a lost cause not because he would have done the same to us in a heartbeat, but that was protocol when the treasure was uprooted and in jeopardy. Our odds of getting to our fallen comrade and getting the treasure are lower than if we made a break for it with only two men standing, we all knew what had to be done. I understood why as I dominated through the passage to the treasure, The look on Biggs’s face holding back the horde was beyond despair, there were more monsters in all directions getting closer and he couldn’t hold them all off.

With God’s army on my back I haul ass to the treasure, but instead get introduced to a one-winged angel knocking me off the uprooted land. I wake up and it’s begun to storm and my reaction is to stop the dagger from being inserted into my face, I must have slept through the boring parts. Lady luck must have changed sides as I maneuver my leg to the angel’s side and use the leverage to kick him off of me. The rain picks up and we stand up and face each other, round two reminds me too much of Lethal Weapon so I shake it off and taunt my opponent by calling him a traitor(Satan). The angel laughs and lunges at me with his wing, the wind speed causing me to lose balance and gives the angel a chance to slice open my side. The blood stains the wet ground and the angel is laughing at me again but I’m laughing harder, at God. Lightning cracks and the one-winged beast falls to pieces, his head rolls toward me and gives me a confused look while I wipe the blood off of my sword.

 I hear Biggs cry out as I limp up the torn earth to the treasure, which makes me fight even harder to stay awake. I don’t know if it’s the blood loss or the treasure, but the closer I get makes everything surrounding the treasure fadeout of view. I approach the treasure and start to grab the orb that is hovering above the ground. When I hold the orb in my hand it glows and the glowing covers my body and heals my wounds, before I can reach for my victory cigar my body tingles and I am transported to the heavens. Looks like Heavens got a brand new God…now where do I hide this orb?

CHAPTER THREE: Book Work

I played Ms. Pac-Man at my local laundry mat.  Since my somebody might steal my clothes if I don't keep an eye on my dryer, I can't really play it with my total, full brain attention.  This is the definition of a third person camera system. It's way, up far above this electric arena that I'm gobbling dots in.  It does't move, nor should it.  That would be nauseating.  More than the overwhelming odor of bleach and body odor in this place.  I'm not good at it and I think somebody just swiped a sock, so I gotta wrap this up.  If I had to change the camera position, I'd put it on Ms. Pac-Man's head.  Then it would be like "Wolfenstein", the most violent game ever invented.  And the camera would be able to shoot bullets.  Bullets of lava.