As everyone already knows by now, I am the only person in class/in school/in Charlotte/in the world without a game console, so for this experiment, I'll be using my dusty n' trusty "8 games in 1" Atari joystick thing. After all, it does have Centipede on it. Not quite as slick as the arcade game, but I'm not driving 6 hours to the closest arcade that owns one so I can make a mockery of physically challenged people by playing all wacky in a public setting. What a waste of quarters. And, yes, I could probably go online and find some sort of downloadable, virus infested version of it, but I don't wanna. Here goes:
One Armed: I can't do the typical "sitting on a toilet with both my hands on my joystick" video game playing stance, so I have to stand up, brace the controller against my stomach, use my thumb to control motion, and my twisted middle finger to do the shooting. It looks like I'm stimulating a long, dark nipple. Gross. This is ridiculous. I'm just trying to run away from the centipede rather than shoot it. This hurts. What if somebody's looking in from the street? My score sucks. I keep dying. I sit down so I can rest the controller on my lap. This helps a little, but I still suck. Good thing the reset button is within thumb's reach.
Armless: Boom. Easy. One big toe on the joystick and the other BIGGER toe on the "fire" button. Good thing I don't have one of those new fangled 7 mini-button super joysticks. This is probably how apes would play if you hooked up an Atari 2600 system in the jungle. I'm actually quite good at this. This is a great stance for playing while eating a hot bowl of chowder. Or playing guitar. Or just putting both hands behind my head and watching how good I'm doing. Challenge met and won. Next.
Blindfolded: The assignment said to turn off the monitor, but being blindfolded is more fun. Try it yourself. Tie it tight. Real tight. Can't see nothing. Squeezes your skull against your brain a little.
Okay, I get it. We're supposed to realize how games and life are similar. How blind decisions lead to failure and/or injury and/or death. Like life, I really have no idea what the heck I'm doing. I'm moving to and fro, trying to dodge unseen dangers, not knowing if what I'm doing is correct or not. Hoping things turn out for the best. Thinking that if I act as though I know what to do, others will assume that I'm doing just fine. So, just keep shooting and moving around. Up and down. Quick and random. Use the force. Smell the fear. Try to see through the damn blindfold.
Looking at my score - it becomes obvious. I was wrong the whole time. I did HORRIBLY. Luck did not smile upon me. I was devoured by a centipede. Over and over again. Just like real life. Thank you, games.
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