Player Perspective

Jon, Ian, Tyler, Jeff

Palling ‘Round with God

Player Perspective

                My comrade Biggs is dead, the vodka is gone and I’m running through the field trying to resurrect my wounded fool of a friend. Now my other chum Wedge decides to move through the holy field, once a palace like field that encompassed all in the area with an aura that shined upon the towers and statues built to worship the relationship between Man and God are now almost rubble, and the shine that once was is replaced with a haze that creeps over the land.  I gotta pee soon, too.

As Wedge approaches his waypoint to report back to his teammates, he looks back to see his path became enshrined in a holy aura. With wide eyes and excitement Wedge sends word that the treasure was just stepped over and that it was time to rally and make a break for the treasure.  Thunder struck the sky and the winds howled, God was near and it was evident he wasn’t just observing. It was a sure bet that God was reigning in the troops to protect the treasure, but it would still be a heavy gamble to try and revive Biggs and make our team whole again. God had commanded and his army obeyed, the field is fresh with monsters and I hesitate to move toward the direction of the treasure without my wounded friend beside me. I shake my oracle ball and ask what I will see in my near future, but all lady luck tells me is that I’m not long for earth. I mutter something about manifest destiny to the useless prophet and toss the ball off the nearest cliff.

Surprised that the fates could piss me off even more, I run out to save my fallen comrade. BAM! An ugly Jabberwocky ambushes me and tries to take off my head with his giant claws but only manages to make contact with my shield and knock me into the broken marble floors of a worn away temple. My back is killing me but my pride is what was really wounded, I play dead and wait for the beast to close in, Jabberwockys are so easy to fool. As soon as he is in range I sweep low with my sword and take his front legs completely off and I scramble ahead trying not to get caught in the fall. Before I have the chance to finish him off, the Jabberwocky cries out an awful shriek that dizzies me. I try to run and continue on to Biggs but I don’t get far before the Jabberwocky reinforcement responded to the cries of his friend, who knows what other monsters heard the call.

 I turn and run up a flight of stairs that don’t lead to anywhere to try and get some high ground;the pain in my ass follows and leaves a trail of burnt dust in his rage for revenge. When the Jabberwocky sees me at the top of the stairs he charges like a bull toward me and I use whatever luck I had left to dodge and let his weight collapse the staircase.

 Biggs cusses at me when I approach him, something about taking my sweet time. I punch him in the mouth as I patch him up, don’t need him to talk just fight. By the time Biggs gained his strength Wedge had already been trolling the aura filled passageway always ready to find the treasure with no risk too great, meaning his comrade’s lives. Wedge continued to run through the field block after block scanning the area sans protocol, until he bit off more than he could chew and a monster big enough to wreck a train blindsided him and threw him into a hard marble wall. Great, even before Biggs’s painkillers kick in Wedge is already out of commission because he can’t follow protocol and check in, always a loose cannon.

Biggs runs ahead of me to cut off the monster’s descent upon Wedge and manages to cause the ground behind him to uproot like a damn earthquake. A light even stronger than the aura permeates the space around the earthquake and blinds everything in sight before Biggs could turn around to see what happened. Thank Bill Cosby! The treasure had been located and fully revealed and the strategy had changed, Biggs wasn’t trying to keep the horde from reaching Wedge, now he was playing king of the hill with the horde yelling at me to get to the treasure while he was still conscious.

We had to leave Wedge as a lost cause not because he would have done the same to us in a heartbeat, but that was protocol when the treasure was uprooted and in jeopardy. Our odds of getting to our fallen comrade and getting the treasure are lower than if we made a break for it with only two men standing, we all knew what had to be done. I understood why as I dominated through the passage to the treasure, The look on Biggs’s face holding back the horde was beyond despair, there were more monsters in all directions getting closer and he couldn’t hold them all off.

With God’s army on my back I haul ass to the treasure, but instead get introduced to a one-winged angel knocking me off the uprooted land. I wake up and it’s begun to storm and my reaction is to stop the dagger from being inserted into my face, I must have slept through the boring parts. Lady luck must have changed sides as I maneuver my leg to the angel’s side and use the leverage to kick him off of me. The rain picks up and we stand up and face each other, round two reminds me too much of Lethal Weapon so I shake it off and taunt my opponent by calling him a traitor(Satan). The angel laughs and lunges at me with his wing, the wind speed causing me to lose balance and gives the angel a chance to slice open my side. The blood stains the wet ground and the angel is laughing at me again but I’m laughing harder, at God. Lightning cracks and the one-winged beast falls to pieces, his head rolls toward me and gives me a confused look while I wipe the blood off of my sword.

 I hear Biggs cry out as I limp up the torn earth to the treasure, which makes me fight even harder to stay awake. I don’t know if it’s the blood loss or the treasure, but the closer I get makes everything surrounding the treasure fadeout of view. I approach the treasure and start to grab the orb that is hovering above the ground. When I hold the orb in my hand it glows and the glowing covers my body and heals my wounds, before I can reach for my victory cigar my body tingles and I am transported to the heavens. Looks like Heavens got a brand new God…now where do I hide this orb?

CHAPTER THREE: Book Work

I played Ms. Pac-Man at my local laundry mat.  Since my somebody might steal my clothes if I don't keep an eye on my dryer, I can't really play it with my total, full brain attention.  This is the definition of a third person camera system. It's way, up far above this electric arena that I'm gobbling dots in.  It does't move, nor should it.  That would be nauseating.  More than the overwhelming odor of bleach and body odor in this place.  I'm not good at it and I think somebody just swiped a sock, so I gotta wrap this up.  If I had to change the camera position, I'd put it on Ms. Pac-Man's head.  Then it would be like "Wolfenstein", the most violent game ever invented.  And the camera would be able to shoot bullets.  Bullets of lava.

Free Play: Chalk

Very Challenging.  You're a floating Asian person connecting dots and stuff.

Replay value low.  Fun, but I'd rather REALLY draw lines on actual paper.

Game play driven  If there's a story, I don't care about it.  My memory is full.

Presentation good.  Yep.  Confusing at first because I never read rules.

Controls easy.  Feel suitable.  Basic human computer/hand movements.

Special features none.  I wish it could make me a sandwich.

I'd change the size of that big monster thing at the end.  It could scare timid people.

I give it 6 out of 10 Rosie O'Donnell toenails.

The Mystery of The Four Mysterious Pictures

The Center For Unspectacular Research.  Dover, Delaware.  March 16, 2:13-ish P.M.  

Dr. Osis Flapp, 79, long-red mullet, Sagittarius, mouth breather, has been working all week in his basement office on a project of misguided attention and forgotten importance.  Oldies 107.3 FM blasting in his headphones.  He hardly notices Gurton, his midget assistant, approach with dagger drawn.  Years of mental abuse and ear thwapping have bubbled over to this moment.  Flapp sneezes his first sneeze since childhood at the exact same moment that the dagger plunges into his left buttock.  Like a hot knife into peach ice cream.  Buried up to the handle.  He makes eye contact with his attacker briefly.  Smiles an unsteady smile.  Blood streams from his mouth for some unrelated  health reason.  He staggers, knocking over some dumb pencil holder he got from his son-in-law for Christmas in 1997, and flops face first to the floor.  Gurton flees through The Doors of Equal Unimportance:    

Alarms go off.  People stare at the midget in the blood-stained labcoat.  Children laugh and point.  Adults encourage their children to laugh and point with more intensity.  A police car squeals to a stop, pinning Gurton against a wall.  At chin level almost.  The policeman's eyeglasses are knocked off his head when he frantically exits the vehicle and forgets to remove his seatbelt.  He attempts to proceed with the apprehension of the mysterious bloody suspect, but with his blurred vision, he handcuffs himself to a newspaper stand.  Later, back at the station, he describes exactly what happened to the chief in a very detailed, time-consuming wood carving, pictured here:

Far, far away in religious Italy, the old bell washer in The Church of Santa Clammy, is summoned from far up inside the bell tower all the way down 504 steps to the old, rickety fax machine in the lobby.  It's beeping very timidly.  He puts another roll of paper on the spool and it starts printing out a message.  Very slowly.  He fixes a new pot of coffee, sweeps the steps, washes a bunch of dishes, makes chit chat with a priest about the best kind of bell washing soap - all while the fax prints.  Finally, near midnight, he uncurls the message and reads it. He thinks about it for a moment, then shows it to the camera.  It says "You missed a spot."  

(The preceding story was originally 6 pages long, but I discarded the superfluous description of what each character's breath smelled  like and the contents of their bowels)

(You're welcome)

Tense & Televised Video Game Excitement!

Try not to doze off.

Genre vs. Type

Genre versus type.  Type versus genre.  Which one is more important?  Well, who is it important TO is important.  To the general public, it doesn't matter.  Stores can't keep Wii systems on their shelves because it's a brand new type of game all together.  Humans enjoy new things.  If the blobs on "The View" talk about it or Jay Leno made a joke about it - you simply must have one.  No.  You need two.  One for upstairs and downstairs.  NO.  Wait.  You need one in the stairwell, so get three.  Yes, you will buy three.

The genres are just sorta lumped together in basic categories like "violent", "sports", "kids", and "adventure" to make selling them easier.  Old records have "File under Rock n' Roll" labels at the top so folks knew what section to put them.  Those were the days when they sold records in grocery stores. The 60-something-year-old shelf stocker had no idea what section to put the new Peanut Conspiracy record in.  Folk?  Jazz?  The trash can?  Looks like a bunch of girls if you ask me.  Actually sir, one member IS a girl.  Oh.  Well, it needs to have a label that says that, too.  Okay, sir.  We'll make labels that say "One Member is a Girl" and, we'll say that YOU were responsible for bringing it to our attention.  We'll have a smaller label on the album that says just that.  What's your full name?  Well, uh....okay, I guess.  It's...Harold, H-A-R-O-L-D, Jenkins, J-E-N-K-I-N-S.  Allright.  Better head off to the label printers. Thank you,sir.

For players, genre is "What I play and don't try to tell me not to, because this is what I always play and I'm pretty damn good, so be quiet so I can get back to shooting these people".  Sure, they'll play Guitar Hero at Thanksgiving with the little kiddies, but they're rather be shooting stuff.  The type of the game player's chosen game is usually something they've come to love and rely on as well.  Don't mess with it.  How the game is seen.  Where the camera is.  Who, if anyone, are you playing against or with.  What is the goal of the game.  Is there a goal.  Is it dumb or serious.  Rarely, does a game company change the formula to a successful game.  There will be angry emails.  Eighteen billion of 'em.  Some with mild profanity.   

Like music lovers, some game players probably enjoy experimenting with different genres and types all the time.  But then again, you're not walking around inside the songs in your MP3 player, shooting bass drums with bazookas and punching the lead singer repeatedly in the gut.  Whoa.  Another cool idea for a game.  Gotta go.

HIGH CONCEPT: Document

Jon, Ian, Tyler, Jeff


Palling ‘Round with God is a 4 player epic adventure of three heroes who are looking for the all-powerful, radiating orb of infinite shenanigan wisdom…which is covered up by gold coins and $20 bills in a steamer trunk hidden somewhere in the world.  The one lucky buck that gets to play God must defend the treasure at all costs.  Sadly, it’s all that’s left worth saving.  The housing market’s crap nowadays.  Television hasn’t been good since 1959.  And your son hates you.  He had the nerve to stay in bed all day on his birthday last year just to spite you and your festive holiday party plans.  Screw ‘em.  You’re the boss.  Your t-shirt says so.  You guide gloomy buffer angels, dirty devil demon crawlers, and a mega-giant of massive meanness to stop a trio of bumbling schmucks from getting your stash.  The three searchers are lost in a vague world.  Slowly proceeding over an empty landscape where untold riches (actually just about $8,020.17) or fierce tooth-to-toe battles await just around the corner.  Movements are direct and the mission is clear.  Steal God’s thunder fund.  

Memory and luck will reward the patient, but be careful of your teammates in this quest.  They can choose to revive a fallen comrade as they lay bruised and confused on the path ahead or they can take an extra long step over the carnage, give a thumbs up sign, smile, and keep on looking for that confounded treasure box thing.  And always remember, far, far above - God’s watching it all.  Reveling in the squabbles and near misses with the loot.  One of the heroes walks mere centimeters away from the loot?  Should God have said anything?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  It’s up to God.  But remember, as the result of an old football injury, he can’t move the heavy treasure after initially putting it down.  It’s there forever.  And once it’s discovered - the great big gig’s up.  It’s been fun palling ‘round with you, God, but I’ve got to go!  (fade-up distant angry thunder, wait for electricity to go ou-------  -

HIGH CONCEPT: Video Pitch

Yowza.  We spent four weeks in pre-production on this.  Getting locations and realistic looking wigs wasn't as easy as we imagined.  Six scripts were tossed before we finally settled on this one, and then, Ian says he has a problem with sitting in a spinning office chair on a moving elevator.  Script number seven was the one we went with.  It took about two months to film the entire thing.  The Director of Photography quit in the middle of week five and we ended up replacing him with one of the catering guys.  Three weeks for editing and special effects stuff followed immediately after that, and so, it's finally, all...completely finished...now.

Free Play: Abstractica

After looking at a bunch of shootin' n' tootin' games available for download at 1up,com, I settled on a totally different, oddball kind of game in the puzzle section.  It's called "Abstractica" and they described it as "just a series of deceptively simple-looking brainteasers designed to test how quickly your head hurts when playing it." Perfect.  I'll be able to beat this sucker in no time.  Hell, I'll try it with one eye closed.

Simple download.  No grinding noise from inside my laptop.  Yep.

Title screen.  Here we go.

...ok?  Hell, I was BORN OK!  Let's Go!

Over the next 42 or so minutes, I got through JUST 11 of the brain teasers.  Most of them are simple, black words or shapes on a white background.  All you gotta do is type a word or a few words and click a "submit" button.  It's the pure definition of "no frills".  There is no story.  And, to some, there might be no point.  Not for me.  I want to know how and why my tiny mind works in certain ways.  Some took me 1.3 seconds to figure out.  Those felt good.  You hear a deep church bell "DONG" each time you get one right.  I love that sound.  If you're wrong...nothing happens.  Maybe there's a way to finagle it, but I wish I didn't have to keep using the mouse to just move the cursor from the "word entry field" to the "submit" button over and over and over each time.  And, how about a hint after 50 good guesses?  

For some of the tough ones, I just stared at the screen hoping something would just pop out at me.  It can't be impossible.  The game maker wouldn't have made it impossible to get past the 5th or 6th one.  Usually, typing the most obvious thing IS the solution.  BUT, it's not always the obvious way of saying what's so obvious about what you're looking at.  Follow me?  At some point,  I just started typing funny things like "game over" and "for the love of god please just tell me the answer to this one". Nothing. You know the answer is right there on the screen, but it's impossible to figure out.  What am I not seeing?  Why am I not getting this?  Stare and think for a few minutes........oh, yeah......how....about.....this (type, type, type, submit)...DONG!

I got stuck on one and turned off the computer for the morning (yep, I'd been playing it in the deep, dark dead of night - no music, no t.v. - just me looking at brain teasers, typing stuff, and muttering profanities real low).  The next night, I wanted to see how Anna, my wife, did.  Maybe she would see the twelfth teaser and the solution would be clear to her.

It was a lot of fun knowing the answers while she struggled to solve the first ones.  For a lot of them, the very first thing that popped into her head was the same thing that I thought of first.  See, great minds DO think alike!

She did help me find the answer to #12, but then we both got stuck on the next one.  I could feel all the smart juice oozing from my brain, so I had to stop.  There are ways of finding out all the answers on the webernet, but I'd rather get 'em on my own (I did see that somebody in some chat room was asking about #46, so that made us feel like big ol' dummies).

I'll probably return to the frustrating mental fun house of horrors that is "Abstractica" one day.  One day in the far, far future.  If an answer I didn't try entering for #13 pops into my head while I'm scrubbing grout stains - I'll drop what I'm doing and type it in.  Maybe I'll get that elusive "DONG".

 Final rating.............7 out of 10 monkey sneezes.

(download it here and give it a try - if you get all of them and beat the game in 6 minutes - don't tell me...ever)

Arcade Flyer Archive

A long, long time ago, folks used to have to put on pants and leave the house to play video games.  The people that owned such "gaming establishments" had total control over what games were available for the hordes of gawky teens to spend all day pumping their greasy quarters into.

How did the owners of these "arcades" choose what games to have? Remember there was NO internet until March 12, 1998 at about 4 in the afternoon!

They looked at flyers, of course. Full color, informative, one or two sheet brochures that try to make the game seem much more exciting than it probably is.  Click here to see the largest collection of new and old flyers for arcade games, pinball machines, and video games.  Stumble around the archives and look around for a while.  Make a sandwich and stay all night if you want.

Here are some of my favorites...

(all great games involve a drunk wolf with sunglasses)

(I like how the helicopter's NOT rescuing them...just lowering a game)

(the average game lasts 31 hours...pack some pills)

(Pat Sajak is more "punk" than anyone in this picture)

(we all need more Computer Space)

CHAPTER TWO: Book Work

Three electronic games.  Hmmmmmmm.  What to choose, what to choose?  Well, what game console do I own?  None.  There's that Atari joystick thing, but I've already used that this year.  Back into the depths of the closet with that thing.  I know.  I'll play one of the games on my wife's fancy phone.  She's using it now, but she'll understand if I say it's an emergency.

(52 minutes later)

Got it.  It's a free game called "Abduction".

This game was designed for soccer moms, knitting dads, wrestling grandmas, napping grandpas, and, most likely, little kids in the backseat.  The art is bright and pleasant.  There's no wordy instruction screen before it starts.  Just start tilting.  You're a cow fighting aliens, saving the other members of your herd, endlessly bouncing upwards on little platforms.   It's controlled by a thing called an "accelerometer".  You tilt it and it moves.  Great game to play while driving.  It's simple.  It's free.  I hope somebody got paid for their work on this.  Wonder if it was a team of 400 game designers?  Or one dude?  With a thing for floating cows.

Next up, another webernet download from 1up.com's  101 best games of 2007 list.  I went with one from the "Armchair Strategy" category called "gate 88".

I had no idea at the time, but "Armchair Strategy" means "bor-ing".  After 50 individual instruction screens, I was finally able to fly my little green shuttlecock around.  The flying was fun.  You leave a little trail of digital smoke behind.  I'm supposed to be protecting the pulsing, green ping pong ball.  You're also supposed to be building stuff.  Power stations or something.  You press a letter and then there's all these choices you have to make....all while a swarm of red shuttlecocks are speeding towards you, shootin' lasers. 

It looks cool.  Kinda like the designs of the Death Star that R2 had in his belly.  And you have a few choices for the background. This was made for fans of science fiction.  Not the casual game playa.  

I need a drink.  I'm heading out to a local watering hole for the final game of this assignment.  

Ahhhhhh, there it is.  My old friend.....

The MEGATOUCH!  Nobody's playing it, so I'm in luck.  Even if somebody was playing it, I'd sit behind them and heckle them 'til they left.  I'm like that when it comes to games played in public setting.  Not sure why.

Allright

Beer me  (glug, glug, glug)

Quarter in

Beer me again  (glug, glug, glug)

"Trivia Whiz"

"Music" category

(awesome electric guitar riffage sound)

I've played this game so much, that I recognize some of the questions.  Of course, I usually make the same wrong guesses.  But when I get it right, sometimes answering the question immediately when the first clue is presented, it feels great.  It's the simplest game of this assignment.  You bet ALL, 1/2, or 1/4 of your points on the first few questions.  Just bet it ALL.  All the time.  Do it.  Believe in yourself.  Answer quick.  the quicker the better.  More points.  If you get 'em correct, you'll enter round two, where you have no say over what points you're betting.  

Unlike most video games, points in this one DO matter.  Only the top 10 can leave their name.  Your name will be forever, digitally engraved in the "Top Scorers" cycle that loops over and over while the Megatouch is not being played.  People will see your name and be amazed that a true master of music trivia ACTUALLY sat and scored such a staggeringly high score right where they're sitting!  Wow.  You achieved something great in life.  Screw all those teachers that said otherwise.  Your name is attached to something.  Well, until somebody scores higher than you.  Or unplugs the machine.  

This game was designed for, in a lack for a better term, drunks.  And bar/restaurant owners that want drunk people to remain in their establishment, buying drinks and plopping dollar bills into it.  As the evening proceeds, players get drunkier and drunkier.  Burp.  The screen gets a little blurry and, instead of touching answers (or shooting basketballs, or releasing darts, or whatever task the game calls for) with just a finger, they're using three or four.  Or using their palm.  Or tongue.  This machine was designed to take punches and beer splashes and full force headbutts.  Bonk.  Its gotta be sturdy.  There's money inside!

The art is simple.  Under each trivia question is a picture.  Sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't.  A question about Sun Records might just have a close-up of a microphone.  Or a question about Junior Walker will have a dude playing a saxophone on a dock and a woman with her feet dangling in the water smiling at him.  It doesn't matter.  Nobody in the history of this game has ever called the Megatouch Industries offices and complained.  

Okay.  That's all.  I need to go the ATM and get out $100.  Keep my barstool warm for me while I'm away.  

Favorite Game Play & Control

I apologize in advance for the heightened passion that will be spewing from underneath and in between the following words of this blog.  It's my favorite game because of the special times we've shared.  Just me and it.  And everybody else in the arcade.  It's "Centipede", or, as it's better known by kids nowadays, "The One With the Ball Thing".

Since we're just talking about the game play and control, I won't delve into the reasons why this is my favorite game.  The internet's not big enough for a blog that long.  And shockingly intimate.  So, here we go:

Input:  You input da' quarter into da' slot and press the raised red button for "One Player".  That's the first step.  If you can't manage that, you've just embarrassed your ancestors.  Great job.  Once the game begins, you're off.  It should take you about half a millisecond to realize that if you roll the ball, your little shooter fella at the bottom moves around.  

The trackball is the white circle on the right.  

The button in middle of the circle of white dashes fires.

Response:  My response at this point is usually "Ha!  Get outta my garden, centipede!" as I shoot the sucker to shreds.  Naw, the response is immediate.  I recently played a faulty machine that would let me move all the way up, but it would stagger and stick on the way down.  This enraged me so much that, after playing it with that crappy hazard and sucking, I strolled on up to the arcade counter and demanded that it be fixed.  "We'll, get around to it", the guy replied.  "Okay", I said, "today, maybe?"  He looked at me like I'd just recited the recipe for buttermilk pancakes in Swahili.

Context:  Your character isn't clearly defined.  You can tell the thing that's coming to get you IS DEFINITELY A MAD CENTIPEDE.  There's no doubt about that.  There are also spiders, fleas, and scorpions doing stuff.  How a trackball is supposed to fit into the insect/dangerous garden theme, I don't know.  It kinda resembles the thick, armoured shell of a beetle.

Polish: Yeah, these things probably require a lot.  Nothing worse than a dull ball.  It's a little slow and jumpy sometimes, but that's easily forgiven.  It also doesn't help that every time I die, I spin the ball as hard as possible.  If everyone else has done the same thing for the last 30 years, i'm surprised they all haven't popped out like glass eyes by now.

Metaphor:  I'm not sure why they used a trackball instead of a joystick in this game.  Oddly enough, the game was co-created by one of the only female programmers back in 1981.  Her name was Dona Bailey.  Maybe she had a thing about balls.  Not those kind, you old dirty chap.  TRACK-balls!

Rules:  Shoot the things that are coming at you.  Shoot away the mushrooms that alter the course of the out-of-control centipede.  You only have a very limited area in which to move around.  Really, just the lower third of the screen is all yours.  Simple.  Hard and frustrating, fun and ignored by most all modern game players.  That's fine with me.

Introduction to the Game Design Document

A game design document isn't really that important in the creation of a game.  Sure, go ahead and try to make a video game that someone would play (and buy) without one.  That'll show you how unimportant it is.  You fool.

(I hope you didn't stop reading this after the first sentence and just started making a game.  Then again, if it gets released somehow and does REALLY, REALLY well, making you incredibly rich - please tell everyone that I was the one that told you to go ahead and not have one.  But how would you know I just asked you to do that?  You stopped reading a long time ago, right?)

I associate a game design document with a film script.  Both a game and a movie take a lot of time, equipment, and various hard working souls to make real.  And all of those things require money.  You can have the coolest "Star Wars" meets "The Three Stooges" meets the tall blue lizard smurfs in "Avatar" meet "The Day the Clown Cried" opera/movie/video game/ice sculpture all worked out in your head, but if you can't write it down - you're screwed.  Write something down.  Show it to people.  They'll help you.  Or they'll know somebody that can help you.  Changes may happen here and there, but you'll find that the parts of your idea that were destined to remain will stay.  The crappy parts, no matter how cool you imagined they'd be in the final product, will thankfully be tossed onto the dung pile.  Goodbye talking blowfish robot with a Rosie O'Donnell head.  Goodbye to the polka-funk-fusion soundtrack.  Goodbye and good riddance.  Taking the seeds of ideas from your mind and letting the roots grow deep on paper makes your creation one step closer to being something that the world can soak up and enjoy.  So get writing, Jack.

Oh, and here's the greatest game design document of all time, but it's missing one thing - it doesn't mention how the game ends.

(fade up eerie, minor key version of "Star Spangled Banner")

Slowed Down ZELDA Ad

I'm not sure why this is the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my life.

Game Review: Adventure

"Adventure" was an Atari 2600 game.  It's still out there in the world.  Just because it's old and not used a lot,  doesn't mean all the cartridges just vanished into thin air.  Well, mine did.  No idea where it is.  Here's what it looked like - 

There is a version with a colorful label - a dragon and castle on it, but I didn't have that one.  This was it.  No art.  No instructions.  Nothing.  I'm not even sure how I ended up with it.  I don't remember getting it as a gift, stealing it, or anything.  It just appeared one day.  A friend probably just abandoned it with me.  It's easy to see why.  It's boring as hell.  Boring, but addictive....and somehow calming (like cheddar cheese flavored heroin)

Gameplay:  You're a little yellow dot in front of a big yellow castle.  Start walking around.

See a key?  Grab it.  It'll stick to you.  Same with the sword.  You'll need that.  There's also a bridge thing that helps you out of mazes.  Grab that, too.  But you won't be able to take more than one thing with you.  Unless you get the magnet...wait a minute.  I'm not telling you what took me hours upon hours of playing this thing to find out.  It's called "Adventure".  You're on an adventure.  Figure it out.

Graphics:  Yep.  What you see is what you get.  Grey floors.  Simple, solid colored mazes, hallways, rooms, and castles.  Oh, and the thing that's chasing you?  This is what it looks like -

It's a duck dragon.  Run.

Sound:  The only sound you here is a "blip" when you pick an item up.  And when you win, by bringing a yellow chalice into the yellow castle....the audio shows off it's full sonic capabilities.  Some sort of space humming noise occurs. No music.  No dialogue.  No nothing.  Just the sound of you breathing in your own head.  And your annoying sibling blasting a Madonna remix and singing off key at the top of his lungs.  A perfect soundtrack for this quest.

Story:  You're a dot.  A lonely dot.  In mazey castle land.  You are assigned no race, age, religion, orgin, history, name, or anything.  I don't even think you're given clothes.  The back story isn't important here.  It's all about what lies ahead - one of those mean, quick duck dragons, waiting in a room  to eat you!

Learning Curve:  If chimpanzees could be taught to master a game and then teach humans how to play it BETTER than how they were originally taught it, this is the game.  It can be frustrating with no instructions.  As a kid, I'd pick stuff up, carry it and move it all over the place aimlessly.  Just passing time, but satisfied.  Like a wandering child, lost in the Middle Ages, but happy.  At least I didn't have the plague.  I hope.  (cough,cough)

Control Scheme:  Since I lost this cartridge and have no idea where my old Atari 2600 console is, I played this on one of those new Atari joystick things that you plug into your t.v.  It has 8 games built in.  Magically.  

The joystick is easy to control and brought back a lot of memories.  You used to be able to take the plastic casing off the stick part, lick the end, and stick it "unicorn style" on your forehead.  Then your mom would wonder why you have a giant circular hickey there.  They fixed that problem with this contraption.  It's sturdy and straightforward.  Move your dot where you wanna go.  Press the only button to release the item you're holding.  

It might seem like I just chose an old, antiquated game so I wouldn't have to do a lot of special examination of all the different facets of gameplay and design.  Well, not exactly.  I could have done the Atari game, "Circus".  That game sucked in 1984, and it still sucks.  

CHAPTER ONE: Book Work

How do you make a game more fun? Tequila.

Naw. The hangover's not worth it. Seriously, how do you make an UNFUN game FUN?

Let's look at the most unfun game ever: Marco Polo.

A game that consists of one person having their eyes closed for the entire game, the loud yelling of just 2 words over and over and over again, treading in and swallowing chlorinated water (and pee),  possible broken teeth and bones from running on slick poolside surfaces while pulling some daring "fish out of the water" escape action, and no clear winner.  Oh, and there's probably a gigantic hornet's nest or something under the pool slide, so there's that, too.

Why do people play this game, again?  Who knows.  Who cares.  It should be banned.  However, if banning it's out of the question, let's implement these changes at once.  Or, wait until next summer.


1.  Instead of the annoying "Marco!"..."Polo!"..."Marco!"..."Polo!"..."Marco!"..."Polo!", use various first and last names.  Keep it interesting.  Use unique first names like "Kiefer" (Sutherland) and "Homer" (Simpson) at first, but then start saying common names like "Pat" and "Jennifer".  It'll be interesting to hear what last names everybody says in response.  If you can't think of anybody with that first name, make a fart sound or something.

2.  The "blind" person should have a high powered water gun.  I'm talking one of those that'll leave a red mark on your skin if you get hit.  Randomly shoot it to see if people are sneaking around.

3.  Send someone out of the pool to hide the "blind" person's towel/shoes/wallet/car keys/cell phone/medicine/car

4.  EVERYONE should have their eyes closed for the entire game.

5.  Keep playing if you hear thunder in the distance.  It'll add to the excitement.