Pinball Wizardry

I'm sucker for pinball. I'll plop 2 quarters in and see what happens. Always at an arcade or a fishing pier or a laundry mat - never at someone's home. I don't trust people with pinball machines in their home. I always envision them playing it unclothed.

Chapter FOUR: Book Work

Meet the hero of my original game idea, "Great Architect", Aubley V. Bleen.  Master draughtsman and pencilist at Rather, Morose & Sullen, Centerburg's biggest Architecture firm.  Fascinated by ceilings more than floors, walls less than sides, and entrances rather than exits.  Flawless order is all around him.  Seamless connections between earth, sky, structure, and soul radiate from his temples.  He seeks truth in form and views art as accessory.  Music registers as math in his mind.  Dancing looks like 3-D blueprints of the galaxy.  The peripheral nerve that connects his brain to his eyes to his hands is about as wide as a garden hose - pumping and receiving communication twenty nine thousand times the speed of that new, really fast internet service only the FBI has.  He has an encyclopedic knowledge of ancient, forbidden measurement units and extraterrestrial architectural conspiracies.  This morning, he's was called into the board room.  The shades were drawn.  The door was locked (from both sides) and he was told of a very, very important...matter.

  

Seems as if "this gentleman" is interested in some freelance design work.  To start immediately.  Pay....undetermined at the moment.  But, he will be taking Aubley to see the greatest architectural marvels in the entire universe.  Mainly the ones NOT mentioned in any books or websites.  Definitely not anything you have to pay admission to get into.  They shake hands and Aubley sees an equation that doesn't make sense.  Kinda looked like advanced Aborigonal physics and geometry mixed with daytime astronomy and...finger painting.  He closes his eyes to concentrate and it disappears.  There's a click sound in his ears and the faint hint of ragtime banjo fades up quickly.  He opens his eyes and "this gentlemen" smiles.  Aubley needs to discuss this propositon over with his most trusted friend.

Squeet shines shoes down at the train yard.  Born to a wealthy entertainment industry power couple, he was kidnapped by an even wealthier and more powerful couple in the entertainment industry.  The ensuing ransom bidding wars made everyone richer somehow.  Squeet was treated fairly and kindly by all four parents and their vast array of cold, unloving servants.  He was taught all the fancy arts and flourished in them all, but just felt out of place surrounded by such big, detailed oil paintings of convertibles and overflowing vases of expensive freshly cut flowers.  He ran away when he was 7 and now lives in a garage apartment, shining shoes for money and feeling pretty pleased about everything.  He saw the "gentleman" Aubley met with.  Just got into town the day before.  Shined his shoes.  Nice shoes.  Seemed normal to him.  Well, he did arrive on his own train.  That was weird.  And the money he paid with.  It was made of flimsy metal stuff that emitted light and a low humming noise.  Nice fella, though.  Asked if there was a Mexican restaurant nearby.

Mario Speedwagon

Just 2 minutes and 37 seconds! WOW!



Truly amazing. Give this man a trophy made of cookies.

Flaxton Sheffield Dwump Jr.

Game Mechanics

I wish they'd just go right ahead and say you need a whole new game system instead of fixing the old one over and over again.  They won't, though.  That's how they make their living.  God bless 'em, though.  They work hard.  I love America.

E.T. Board Game

I owned this game.  Never played it.  Ever.  The giant E.T. head on the box gave me nightmares so I took it deep into the woods one day and burned it.  Burned it up good.  The board, the box, and all the little pieces. When I got back to my house, a brand new, unopened E.T. board game was on my bed.  I screamed like I'd been doused with boiling lava acid.  My friend that lived about 6 blocks away said he could hear me like I was in the next room.

Favorite Game - One Armed, Armless & Blind

As everyone already knows by now, I am the only person in class/in school/in Charlotte/in the world without a game console, so for this experiment, I'll be using my dusty n' trusty "8 games in 1" Atari joystick thing.  After all, it does have Centipede on it.  Not quite as slick as the arcade game, but I'm not driving 6 hours to the closest arcade that owns one so I can make a mockery of physically challenged people by playing all wacky in a public setting.  What a waste of quarters.  And, yes, I could probably go online and find some sort of downloadable, virus infested version of it, but I don't wanna.  Here goes:

One Armed:  I can't do the typical "sitting on a toilet with both my hands on my joystick" video game playing stance, so I have to stand up, brace the controller against my stomach, use my thumb to control motion, and my twisted middle finger to do the shooting.  It looks like I'm stimulating a long, dark nipple.  Gross.  This is ridiculous.  I'm just trying to run away from the centipede rather than shoot it.  This hurts.  What if somebody's looking in from the street?  My score sucks.  I keep dying.  I sit down so I can rest the controller on my lap.  This helps a little, but I still suck.  Good thing the reset button is within thumb's reach.

Armless:  Boom.  Easy.  One big toe on the joystick and the other BIGGER toe on the "fire" button.  Good thing I don't have one of those new fangled 7 mini-button super joysticks.  This is probably how apes would play if you hooked up an Atari 2600 system in the jungle.  I'm actually quite good at this.  This is a great stance for playing while eating a hot bowl of chowder.  Or playing guitar.  Or just putting both hands behind my head and watching how good I'm doing.  Challenge met and won.  Next.

Blindfolded:  The assignment said to turn off the monitor, but being blindfolded is more fun.  Try it yourself.  Tie it tight.  Real tight.  Can't see nothing.  Squeezes your skull against your brain a little.

Okay, I get it.  We're supposed to realize how games and life are similar. How blind decisions lead to failure and/or injury and/or death.  Like life, I really have no idea what the heck I'm doing.  I'm moving to and fro, trying to dodge unseen dangers, not knowing if what I'm doing is correct or not.  Hoping things turn out for the best.  Thinking that if I act as though I know what to do, others will assume that I'm doing just fine.  So, just keep shooting and moving around.  Up and down.  Quick and random.  Use the force.  Smell the fear.  Try to see through the damn blindfold.

Looking at my score - it becomes obvious.  I was wrong the whole time.  I did HORRIBLY.  Luck did not smile upon me.  I was devoured by a centipede.  Over and over again.  Just like real life.  Thank you, games.